Welcome Home: 4 Tips for a Copacetic College Break

Because of Covid-19 safety protocols, the last few weeks of 2020 pose a potential challenge for many college families.  College students are coming home for Thanksgiving, and in most cases, they will not return to their campuses until early to mid-January. It’s one thing to relish the nostalgic reunion, seasonal foods, and close family time inherent to the winter holidays.  It is another thing completely to pluck a young adult who has been practicing independent living for four months out of their new habitat and insert them back into the highly structured setting of family life for an extended length of time. Those of us with college sophomores, juniors, and seniors know this all too well from the abrupt March exodus! Parents might have mixed emotions: feeling excited about having all of their kids under one roof again and nervous about what that will look like each day…or (more likely) each (late) night.  Students may feel equally as torn: regular, home-cooked meals and fewer responsibilities versus curfews and “forced family fun.” There’s an art to finding balance here that can be planned for with the right mindset and managed expectations.  Here are 4 ways to help everyone finish 2020 as agreeably and comfortably as possible.

Prepare to receive a different person than the one who left in August.  You sent your child on a journey of self-discovery the day you committed to pursuing a college education for them.  A majority of that comes from their academic pursuits, but a fair amount also comes from exposure to a diversity of opinions, identities, and values. This means that your student may come home with a new sense of what is most important to them.  Your college student may champion a few new causes or casually dismiss rules that you think of as simply prudent or reasonable based on your perspective. The best way to respond to these changes is to calmly express openness to learning about them.  Ask with sincere curiosity for a dialogue so that your values and opinions can be part of the discussion, too.  I like phrases like, “That’s different than what I believe about (blank).  Can you tell me more?” I am still learning with my young adult college grad, college junior, and high schooler that strong emotional reactions seldom ever help.  I must remind myself that my husband and I, in addition to raising our kids to be kind, helpful, and grateful, we have also raised them to be strong, curious, and independent. We should not be surprised when they, in fact, express ideas and opinions that are strong, curious, and independent!  The values you raised your student with are still the core of their formation, but for now, they are trying out new ideas and reconciling them into something they can call their own, which is the epitome of identity formation. 

Respect their schedule. The teen and young adult brain operates on a different cycle than the middle-aged brain. The sleep-regulating hormone, melatonin, made in the pineal gland, is released much later in the evening in the young adult brain and continues production well into morning, signaling circadian sleep rhythms that are sometimes vastly different than what looks “normal.” Your college student is not staying up late and sleeping in late just to make you angry! They truly are operating under a different set of biological conditions.  Your student has final exams, papers, and projects to complete in the two weeks between Thanksgiving and mid-December.  They have (hopefully) been managing their time and meeting their course responsibilities unaided since August, so now is not the time to revert to high school level micromanagement. Ask if they need any support with getting up for class or completing assignments, and if they decline, let it go. Likewise, if you have plans for your college student before noon, let them know well in advance and discuss the best strategy for waking. Because they have been meeting their class responsibilities at school independently, albeit with the camera off in their comfy clothes, chances are, they won’t want your “assistance” getting up. Stress their unique contribution to your event and how important it is to you personally.  I say things like, “You keep us laughing, and I am always grateful for the memories.”

Give them something to be in charge of, but let go of the outcome. Putting up a Christmas tree? Making Grandma’s apple pie?  Taking the annual photo?  Whatever it is, ask for their personal touch on something meaningful to your family, but then, let go of the expectations that you have for the end result.  This is one of the best ways that you can demonstrate to your young adult child that you respect and value the special qualities they bring to your family.  Grandma’s pie might get a new spice added to it, the Christmas tree may only get the retro ornaments, or perhaps the traditional picture gets a new cosplay costume flare.  Whatever it is, go with it, and allow your student’s character to shine in your family in a new way.

Let there be spaces in your togetherness. I’m all for family time, but I am a big fan of “spaces in our togetherness” too! With the extended length of this college break, tensions may run high after a few weeks.  Spaces that used to accommodate your whole family may quickly feel cramped or inadequate, especially with family members now finishing up coursework virtually while others continue to work from home.  Not only will this tax your home’s wifi capabilities, your patience may be spotty, too. Alternating use of your home’s indoor and outdoor spaces or leaning on cafes with outdoor seating or low capacity co-working hubs as temporary solutions may help.  Regardless of where the work gets done, create more “emotional room” by taking short walks during peak wifi usage hours (side benefit, our dog has lost 5 lbs, and I have lost 30!), taking a long drive, or packing a meal to take to a park for some brisk but refreshing al fresco dining.  Look for ways to give each person under your roof a break from the non-stop family energy that seems to quickly compound when everyone is home.

We all need a little extra grace during this unprecedented time.  I hope that with these suggestions, you and your college student will find a balance over the extended vacation and possibly recall these weeks as one of the better parts of 2020.